i had to walk away, and i'm sorry

anxiety and depression suck. and it's hard to explain. but I will. on this new personal space.  not for pity or attention or affirmation. i thought it's just time for me to share my mental health especially because last night, I had an argument with a good friend that almost ruined our relationship. because of anxiety. because I fear of people talking shit about me. because I am depressed. and Joey De Leon, depression is not a joke. 

beginning of this year, I had symptoms I cannot explain. 2016 was a very bad year for me personally, but oppositely for my career. as my good friend said, I am so good at hiding, with all my photos in social media, and how I present myself with makeup. well, this world can make you do that.


the thing is, as a teenager and student, I have always been the nervous kind of person. the kind who would always fidget and worry about stuff. i have always liked being stressed and busy. i am worried if I don't perfect something, or get awards or recognition, if people talk behind my back, if I am not achieving a lot in a day, if I don't get what I want. i may have trained myself to be a warrior, a champion, but it was only until last year that I realized I even have to be stronger. i was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, and months after, a depression which made me more sad actually. intense, right?
so intense that I had a panic attack while doing my makeup workshop in Megamall last year. I had to leave in front of 25 of you, my readers, and I am so sorry for that. I just couldn't breathe and I dont know why because I have done lots of these talks and demos before. i then recalled the moment I first experienced this I-cannot-breathe-I-think-I-am-going-to-die moment when I showed my passport to the Valkyrie entrance years ago and the security told me that I cannot enter. because I am a cross-dresser.


early this year, I had symptoms of feeling down, tired and demotivated despite the cups of coffee I consume in a day. this year, my hands and feet sweat AF. i get tremors. i can't sleep well. this has not affected my work, but i was very sure this has been affecting my overall health as I depended on night outs and those tequila shots just to calm down. i kinda knew it you know. so  i was just waiting for my psychiatrist and neurologist in UST to tell me that, after ruling out my brain, heart and lungs with MRIs and those painful nerve tests - which thank God, are all ok.
it just sucks, because i cannot just tell myself to be not sad and anxious all the time. I just cant tell my hands to stop shaking. i have to take 1/4 of each pill just so I can function properly in a day. it's kinda ironic because here i am, telling you (and myself) to don't care about what people say or think of you, but yes, I still do.


i have been going to the doctor every 3 months and we have been working on my mental health. he explained to me so well these things, especially the part of my brain (my subconscious) that may be always triggered when in these social moments.and a lot showed how everything is related to my gender and the life i chose. coz you know, that makeup workshop breakdown triggered a memory where my family member laughed at me when I was speaking and working on stage, because my voice was too deep for my look. coz you know, someone told me as a little kid, that i wouldn't be successful in my life because I am gay.
the doctor also said that i have these dreams and expectations based on people's perception (of being a transgender, being a successful person, being an lgbt leader) that i don't have to think of. so easy to say right? but it's hard. my doctor also said that part of it is also hereditary. there are lots of people depressed nowadays especially men, who are often afraid to share their emotions to peers and social media. also, the digital world we live in nowadays dont help that much. as per stats, Philippines has the highest number of depressed individuals in South East Asia. a couple of days ago, someone jumped off a building in Pasig. 
it is not a joke. not a lot of people would understand but this feeling sucks. it's intense and complex and burried deep inside my mind. i wish these feelings would be gone soon. i wish i could relax and slow down and chill as i always tell myself. i need to. but i will fight. i have to. i will be better. we will be.
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For those who’ve asked about where they can seek psychological help, reach out to the professional organizations below and ask them about psychologists, psychiatrists, and clinics near your area:
Psychological Association of the Philippines - https://www.pap.org.ph
Philippine Psychiatric Association - http://ppa.philpsych.ph
You can also contact a hospital near you and ask to be connected to their psychology or psychiatry department. Hospital websites might also be useful in getting you a list of licensed professionals near you.

4 comments:

  1. I love you! Nandito lang ako if you wanna talk. <3

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  2. *huuuuug!* I know it's super random but I'm here for you always, Mikki. I have always rooted for you and will continue to root for you. You're not alone :-*

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  3. Sending you love and hugs ❤❤❤ love you ����

    ReplyDelete
  4. Youre not alone. We can get through this ate mikki. Iloveyou! 😘💕

    ReplyDelete

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